It blew my mind. There are all kinds of repercussions for these things, and none of them are really good. And there was nothing I could do. He had you in limbo. He sees me one way and has painted this picture in his mind, and that will not change at all until im detached enough to where he has to face that im no longer controlling him, im no longer holding him back, and somehow hes still feeling the way hes feeling. I have recently went through a very similar experience (but caught the messages much earlier) and left my SO. He wont get counseling. It's when they have lost their home, friends, family, and above all else self respect. For my own peace of mind. I feel like im losing my mind. And the minute I took a stand with my H and told him to leave, there was an immediate change. I havent heard from him today, which is upsetting because normally he would text in the morning. But I also just hate this. Add in that we planned for a baby and are now raising our beautiful 5 month old daughter, I am trying to be fair to him and not keep her from him in any way, while also maintaining my sanity and possibly my need to move on from him. It is very difficult to talk to someone while they are in the fog. Ive just got to figure out what to do next. I wish people could hear how highly he speaks of himself and how he will choose to be home with the baby over doing anything else, yet this past week alone he was in the bar 4 nights. Im not the source of his problems, although he has made it like I am. I feel if she did this we could rebuild a strong relationship. So there was nothing I could do to change his mind or his heart. I dare say he wont be home tonight either!!. And he was free to be with the OW and I was not standing in his way. But really what else am I supposed to do? I sincerely hope it doesnt come to that for you and your children. Its my thinking that gets me so upset. Get yourself a good therapist or counselor. I cannot continue feeling like im being walked all over, and I dont think he knowingly walks all over me, but its just how I feel when my HUSBAND cant even treat me like his wife. Sometimes I think he does things to test how I will react. Not a bar hound who cant or wont pick up the phone and continues to disappear. If you dont do it now you will have given up your power to him. I even thought about packing a bag and just running away from everything and everyone and starting afresh. And I went along with it. I did not want our kids to know and I was summer and they were not in school. So then he could see clearly he does miss ME when he doesnt have me. Now you are just trying to co-exist and live peacefully. The fog is the hardest thing to forgive and to get Think of the affair like an addiction. Hi I will love to talk to you since you have already make it to the other side im 6 months from d-day at 1st I was the one waiting to fix things but he was in the fog now he is the one trying to come back but im so hurt.. he is trying to control me and manipulate me with $and our son. We argued once for 2 hours over an insignificant item. Its much easier when he is apologizing and texting me and seems remorseful. But there was nothing I could say or do to change his thinking or behavior. Given that he has no job right now hes not able to pay you child support or alimony. He spreads so much lies and hate about me to his allies, its disgusting. He literally walked in the door and out of the blue wanted a D. No fight had occurrrd. I learned this from my H cheating. I dont want to be around him. I get the whole she my soul mate, she perfect for me, Im the happiest Ive ever been. If you wait until you get mad enough to do it first, the damage is done. Its OK IF he doesnt know what he wants. I cannot understand. I stumbled on her secret email account by accident and discovered a lengthy email exchange lasting months that was both emotionally and sexually explicit. I sleep all the time (well Pot makes me sleep and eat but all I want to do everytime I leave the house is go back and smoke pot and sleep), I was very ambitious and I had all these plans for my career and for us but Ive lost all the zeal. Whatever you decide. Start disengaging that may make his head spin around. And it seems like at moments he is completely out of the fog, he seems to be here, himself, wanting to be here, enjoying it. That said, some people quite frankly dont give a damn. But wait already did. In reality he was seeing the OW again and he did not believe he needed it. Again I think she is part of the problem but not the whole problem or ALL the problems. I win! Money in your own name. Hes spending his time at a dive bar down the street. I hope you can get there. Any $ in my name or certain accounts is not considered marital assets. Again I think there is more to this story. I would suggest that you stop trying to get her back and instead focus your energies on yourself. He works hard every day to make amends. Well, no you dont know how I feel. I have always been the one person in his life thats a complete constant. Because if I said I wanted a D (in his mind) I ended the M. In his mind his A had no impact or reason for the D. Tell him your communication efforts are not working and you feel you need help resolving the differences and making things better in the future. But this didnt fit the classic fog charateristics either. Learn how your comment data is processed. I have been in your shoes. And you can tell him one day its okay by me if you want to leave. The only thing that was happening was I was a total wreck, and that didnt affect you like it should have. How sad it comes to that. He would not dare test out that theory b/c she would dump him in a heartbeat if he cheated on her. Linda: No, and the consistency. I told him thats fine, do what he needs to do and ill sign. The next time he wants to go to a bar until 3 am tell him you will get a babysitter and join him. Get your plan B together now. He doesnt even see it, he doesnt even see all the things were missing out on as a family bc of him. But im afraid that if I let him go again, he will finally be done and not try. I wasnt clear on thatsorry. And I probably made it worse because every time he did something bad, and we fought I would really blast him and make him more insecure. Right on the heels of the PA was an EA with a very young girl. And I believed it. figueroa street shooting; jeffrey friedman chiropractor; gifted child humming; how to adjust sim max driver; midlife crisis when the fog lifts. I ask about them calmly Are you in contact with Deanna phone, text or email? Looks me dead in the eye, and without blinking says No. Part of me really does believe him when he says they arent speaking. Not any more. But how can someone be SO in love, SO on board in a marriage, so all about his wife and making a family and then all of a sudden be SO completely different? Some days things feel good, he will text me, the convo goes well, carefree, and then we both get home from work and its like the site of me is just annoyance to him. When I told him I was D him well reality set in and he realized he took ME for granted. Its like the more we live like roomates, the more his feelings for me will dwindle I feel. I want to show confidence, I want to do the 180 and truly DO it and live my life to show him im still the woman he fell in love with, but I cant seem to do that. That much I know. Some spouses (women included) do not grow up and mature after they have children. He is being selfish. I wish he had any idea how this feels. Exactly. So you have some idea of what you are facing like if you split up and its a no fault divorce state what is the % you get for alimony and what % for child support etc. You cannot get anyone to see your point of view if they dont want to. NO YELLING! 3 months in the relationship he went on a boys trip to paris with his friends. No matter the outcome you will look back and be glad you did. It would have made me think long and hard and say, Geez. Or me NOT inviting him and hes left out and im inconsiderate. She tried to keep contact happening but I blocked her number and in the end she got the message. They are living in cloud cuckoo land. The longer the 180 goes on the more likely it will be that you will no longer have hope of Reconciliation. It is like he tricks himself to believe he wasnt out that long. Thanks in advance! I have done so much reading and have handled this so calmly from DAY ONE, I almost regret it. But at night when were hanging out, it feels okay. And lets say you NEVER again mention talking to her. Different than now? I know where you are right now. Is there a way to contact you directly via email? Here are some most crucial signs of a midlife crisis that may help you to understand where you stand. Stronger yes, but much more guarded, almost jaded. I feel like him bringing up divorce is whats coming next, any day now, and Im at the point where I just have to tell him thats fine and he can do it and ill go along with it. A sober rational person would never drink and drive. I am just SO NERVOUS about the next bomb dropping being him saying its finally time for a D for real this time. After he proposed, he saw the nude pics from before. Selfish. My wife began an EA after a trip out of town. Again, I wish SO BADLY that a few weeks ago when I asked him to leave and we left on decent terms and he reached out multiple times a day and was terrified to lose me, I wish I had stuck to that and continued to let him feel the loss of me. I was shaking I was so angry. I know how frustrating and devastating that is to hear. I dont even know why. It took me 2 years to get to this point. Me, I would have not reacted immediately to a strange text I accidently saw. WebMany of the symptoms of midlife crisis are due to hormonal imbalances that can cause anxiety or depression. Your own reasons. As if I got them from another man or something, ya right. I have no clue. The affair started backing up again, but secretly, and turned into a PA. 3 months later, I found evidence of the affair on his computer while he was out with her. It is a nightmare that keeps reoccurring. Six weeks ago Im still calling my husband a liar for NOT forcing his whores out of our lives with the same ugliness he brought them in with he has not dealt with any of this crap and his sewer rats keep popping up over and over with their skanky smell spraying over my life so I continue to stand up for myself . Asking no questions is good too (and smart). Im removing myself from it, not the baby. But he has stayed at the house every night since then. That is how far our dynamics have changed. Respond only if you have to. Stop focusing on the M. Just know you will be prepared down the road for whatever happens. I dont know a normal timeframe, I dont know if there is one. She was surprised and said OK. Biggest mistake I made was letting him be in control of us and me. When I found out he had been seeing her behind my back I reslized the affair was not my fault. And the next day I had another t shirt on and he was like where are all these t shirts coming from?, bc theyre just old t shirts and he hasnt seen them on me before so hes curious. After dealing with my Hs frustrating behaviors, affair fog, continuing to see OW and blaming me for everything wrong in his life, I used to go to my wonderfully fabulous thetapist who would put me on the right path. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. His reaction had taken him by surprise. But then Ive read that right now we should be friends again and build a new relationshipI know im rambling, I just feel good that you said you think im handling this well now and what im doing is the best thing I can be doing for now. But i do feel like he tests me, does that seem plausible? I see something online the OW posts and I just get completely set off. I didnt know we had problems so it all has been a total rollercoaster. The only time it felt like he did was when I really made him leave and he felt remorseful and upset and was scared and I would barely speak to him for 4 days. But theres nothing I can do. Then he doesnt come home until way later and doesnt think its a big deal. Desesperate You will get worn down and be emotionally empty. A curious and frustrating (for the BS) frame of mind the cheater goes through while in the midst of their affair. Hope this helps. He slid accused me of having an A with a co worker 25 years ago. Make him wonder what kind of life you have going on without him. The ego boost. I absolutely do NOT want to divorce him, I love him more than anything, but I just dont even know this person right now sometimes. He said he doesnt know why I keep thinking that but that I am wrong. Its so much pain. He said no matter how hurt or upset he is, he shouldnt say rude mean things to me that arent true. Im glad I found this blog, so I could vent safely! Or should I try to just not be around him and let him know im mad and skeptical and dont trust him and know I deserve more. Hes happy b/c he can continue to disrespect you and your M. And if he wants some fun or conversation from you he knows he will get it. Hold your head up and be strong. Any advice will be appreciated, thank you. I tried leaving a reply a little bit ago but it didnt seem to work. Last week I had a suspicion that he was continuing to talk to the OW, and I had a minor blow up. I read something by Jack Ito, one of the many articles I have found over the last 7 months that seems to help. The damage has been done. WebThe mid-life spouse cannot move that far backward into full fog again, once awakened in this way. I outed his whores on their Facebook pages I had nothing to hide or lie about funny they shut down their pages as if that changed what they did or how nasty they were to me . Dday2 was a shock but less so b/c I called OW to get answers on why my H was acting so crazy and irrational. You may want to plan differently for your future based on the information. Webmidlife crisis when the fog lifts. I became my mother. He makes sly comments sometimes. The only contact we have is a obligatory hug every morning from him as he leaves for work before me. If you would have said, This has got to end or Im leaving, or Im taking the kids with me, You have got to get out, or whatever, I think that would have expedited the fog disappearing a lot faster. I fought for our marriage with dignity and respect and with my head held high. If you say something you have to mean it and stick to it. And one day if this continues you will throw in the towel on him. If the symptoms are He said he did not want to b/c he wanted to R. I picked up the phone and told him on X date you will go to a friends house until you find your own place. But please do not allow this to go on too long. 2. The discussions about her can be addressed at MC or in another conversation. I wish I had walked out in the first 60 to 90 days of his online obsession affair with someone else. It would not surprise me though. Its a long process to full reconciliation. Thats terrifying. Imagine how awful that was calling the OW and asking for answers as to why your H is acting crazy. Even if he is talking to her. Only coming up to two months knowing each other all moved super fast . We would be more intimate. You understand that he has made this choice, but unfortunately it is not OK with you. All things he may not even think about, but that I OBSESS over now bc I just want him to SEE ME again. He accused you of cheating. Whether he is cheating or not is secondary what is most important is that he is not putting the M first. I was very calm and rational. I cant wrap my head around it all still. I dont know if when he gets back in town he will come stay here or what. I redefined our marriage and I stopped being a doormat and put myself first. No self respecting person jumps into another Relationship the next day. I acted pretty blah to him today. Everytime he wants to have sex, and God he wants to have sex all the time he is here with me, it;s like that all he wants to talk about (btw long distance relationship) with me I feel angry and grossed out. How convenient for him. I make sure I am in control off my life. Like I had a t shirt on one day, and it was a manly shirt, and he asked where I got it. I left and am now sleeping at a friends house. I went home around an hour later and he was there cooking dinner for everyone. Their beliefs are reflected in their actions; loving to the affair partner, and angry and hostile towards the betrayed. So sorry for you. But in an altered state they believe they are fine. I dont understand it. Im going to be honest as painful as it is. I tell him I feel like he hates me, but he says he could never hate me. DO NOT mention the A or EA or whatever he is doing. Hopefully this fog clears at some point. Hell, I wish THE FIRST TIME I saw a text from her 8 months ago I had kicked his ass out and let him see what life was like without me before the baby came. Dress nicely and just leave the house for several hours. You cannot make people wNt something. Probably my fault, I led him on somehow. Im so much better than this. Read my posts on this thread. You barely communicate. And 99% of that mentoring time is spent with betrayed spouses (usually female). Just walked in and demanded a D. And a few hours later I told him he no longer had any control over me or my life b/c I was done playing games. He texted me last night when he was going to bed, and of course in my mind im still wondering if he is where he says he is, but im not asking questions. I told him he isnt even sorry about it and he got really mad. Nothing worked or changed him. Its not reality. Damn, if I could only have had suspicion and investigated. He still is at the bar everyday after work and comes home at night. It is not new behavior. Worry about what YOU need to do in these 24 hoursI wake up and read the 180 instructions almost daily just to motivate myself. So he waffles between the singles night at the bar life and being M at his convenience. The CS has to come to their own conclusions and realizations. One year ago today we were on a family vacation, I was pregnant, we were happy and excited. There are a lot of things that people have to consider about reality. I just think as long as he is with her I cant move forward and why her?? I would not give him a divorce so easy. It reminds me of when he was first seeing OW, he would do ANYTHING to be out of the house and away from me, even if it wasnt to see her. I know how maddening that is. This went on for years. F*ck 40: Lifting the Midlife Fog After Milestone Birthday February 7, 2018by Tobin Walsh The 40thbirthday party my wife threw for me was legendary the next days massive hangover being evidence enough. I made that poor choice and I let him justify his A as my fault. Stay. So im done. Thats the only time it felt like maybe he was seeing things clearly, and then that quickly went away. Once I got my power back I changed for the better. He did not know what he wanted. You never had an opportunity to think, Gosh. Dont hit rock bottom b/c someone in your life has decided THEY are confused and dont know what they want. But my suggestions are to get you out from dealing with his choices that undermine the M and disrespect you. But acting them out is a whole other story. That is your reward. My assumption is that in order to come out of the fog, you have to start making better choices. I am 31, married almost 3 years (together 9) with a new 5 month old baby. He beefed for another chance. That is the life you would be having. Typical cheater move by the way blame everyone else. a. Stay strong. He is using that to support his evil wife persona of you. And honestly, part of me is like who the hell cares. First he stayed bc I had a bad cold and he helped through the night with the baby for 2 nights. We also had a discussion a while back on how to get the cheating spouse out of the affair fog, and quite a few BS chimed in as to what worked or didnt work in their own situations. He is saying he doesnt want to change. Now? I want a family life that he used to want and he no longer wants that. I got home last night and he was home from work and he was in a great mood. But it is not ok for him to drag you down the black hole of indecisiveness with him. I would have confronted both, demanded he move out and only let him back if I was convicted it was over! Living the single life. I just know the longer we go on like this, the more we are forgetting who eachother really is. When this all started happening, I was SERIOUSLY concerned he was doing drugs. He was so blinded he could not tell the difference between love and lust/infatuation. I have explained to him that I feel like he no longer respects me, which he says is absolutely not true, but actions speak louder than words. Hes very quiet and doesnt share much with me, so.. Your email address will not be published. Next begins a repeated internal dialog of the rationalizations over and over again in their minds. Yet he continued seeing her and for 4 months was planning on leaving me and I had no idea. Regroup. I learned that sometimes, as painful as it is, you have to let people make bad choices. I dont seem to know how to achieve and stick to ONE thing. I never told you I would leave you because you were in an affair. But the minute I pull away, he gets a little scared. Even when the girl came back I fought for him. And then I was calling the shots. This is a man who loved me more than he loved himself. DDay 2 was my turning point. I dont know how this has happened. I changed many behaviors, but she seems unwilling to meet me there. I told him his actions show he doesnt care about me at all and that he wanted a different life, and I told him to go have it. I dont want to lose myself. Or smarter. I never mentioned it again. NOW is the time to get strong and assert yourself. Its called the Plan B. I was not the cause of his unhappiness. But he did end up staying the night on the couch. In 25 years of M the D words was never used. Hold your head up and be the best mom and person you can be. But he hasnt mentioned that in a week and just has been staying here. Its really like a stranger, and the minute he walks in the house and we start talking about our days its like oh here he is, heres the man I married. its exactly what I need to do, and I know it. Which in my head makes me think hes telling OW like ya im at the house for the baby but I sleep on the couch. We got into a massive fight prior to me doing the 180, I think i told you about it, and he texted me after saying we have to end this, you are too impatient and youll never be convinced im not talking to that girl.I never asked what he meant by me being impatient, but I think he basically just wants time to decide what he wants. Those few days were SO bad for me, I really was backsliding emotionally and it was getting to me. I know im supposed to be living my life for me, but its more like im living my life TRYING to do what I think will open his eyes. But no matter what I dare say your H is a coward. How did you control the Panic Attacks? Talk about feeling like a major sap! He is very selfish. We have both said we wont do anything permanent yet, but when he gets mad he always throws things in my face. Is The Cheating Spouse Living With Regret? They feel a new high, a feeling of being in love. But I LOVE HIM, And I love who he is, and I just dont know where that person is anymore. When he doesnt have me, he seems to finally wake up. I guess it depends on how thick of a fog youre in. They do weekend workshops a few states away. It was just the same life over and over again. He went and laid on the couch and sent me a text saying lets finalize a divorce. You need him to be a man. It is such a neat (I know some wont like that word choice) experience to feel how messed up my thinking was. I was in your position but my H had affsir fog for 6 months and was going to leave me. Please trust me on this (and everyone else here who would give you the same advice). You and your wife can get past this but only if you both want it. Doug: What you were saying about being intimate and going out and having fun and doing all that stuff, I do think cumulatively, that had an effect. im just so confused. That is your next step after plan B is in place. B/c he was planning on leaving me. But I just feel like ive been CONSTANTLY given the shit end of the stick. He told me sunday I shouldnt make him dinner, I shouldnt do his laundry, he can handle it all himself. My husband had an EA with a work partner. I come from a long line of strong women. So is his snide comments that you seeing another guy. Not that it matters anyway. And now he says he has been trying to, but honestly I do not see that at all. Ah yes, the affair fog. But I always told him plainly that we werent. And do not mention the OW for now. Continue to be supportive of her but stop begging her to do anything as you can see that isnt working. I wish I could stick to it. So, I guess, both of us, in dead end street & whatever we do in future, the outcome might be the similar. I never ever reached out to him again I ignored all his calls and emails to avoid any more lies I did not inform his wife I just couldnt do it she seemed so happy with her kid and him and I just didnt know what to do I feel bad I was lies to I never ever ever would date a married man not only did he say he was divorced for years he said he hopes to find the perfect woman for him and said I hope she exists and that he had not dated in a long time But I never told him I knew something told me she would maybe believe him and he would just lie to her about who I was but my god Im so happy I searched and looked into it asap within 3 months ! Justify and rationalize the cheating and lifestyle choices in any way necessary. Because he chose to stay M. No talking or therapy or pleading or crying had any impact unfortunately.
